Divorce Amoung Baptists

    Adjusting to life after my biological father was challenging, but at the same time it was relaxing. We felt a peace that we had did not know existed. My mom was able to do things that she loved without being manipulated into feeling guilty. My brother was able to be a teenager finally before he went college. I was able to do the things I loved without having to worry about upsetting him. We were free.
    I started what has turned into almost nine years of counseling. I was a normal outgoing child, and I don't feel like my biological father changed that. There are moment when I would experience a trigger that would make me shut down, but not any more. I went through a lot of therapy and am now a functioning member of society, I guess you could say that. The only current signs of my childhood are evident in my insecurities. The insults that my biological father used to call me are still in my head every time I feel insecure. The list is alone the line of ugly, stupid, useless, and trash. The though that no one will love me no matter what I do.
    My brother and I were homeschooled, and it was hard adjusting to the changes we faced. My mom had to get a part time job, and I had to start in my first school. My brother and I had been homeschooled our whole lives. I personally think that was just another way for my biological father to control us.
    We didn't get away from him sooner because we didn't know that anything was wrong. I mean, sure he had anger problems, but we thought that that was the case with every family. Even if we had relied on help from other people we would not have found any. My biological father is a master manipulator, and every time we were in front of people he would pretend to be a perfect person. He was a music minister, hobby filled, and all around military man. When we divorced him, people who were not close enough to us to have noticed the signs didn't believe us.
    We went to a Baptist church and were surrounded by Christian Texans. To Baptists divorce is bad, and they believe that a divorced woman should be shamed. The people in our church that did not understand blamed and almost shunned us. My best friend was taken away from me because my biological father was close to her parents and he lied to them. Getting away from my biological father was something that we had to do on our own, because we lost around half of the people that were our friends.
    I hate denominations. I grew up thinking that the church was a support group that was supposed to help you when you go through something tough. I was taught that we go to the church to grow and learn. However, the only thing that I learned from church was that the people will be there for you until you do something that happens to go the slightest bit against what the rules of their denomination says. I made this discovery about myself at a young age, but I feel that it was too young because I can't do anything about it. I'm stuck going to a church that I feel unexpected and unwanted in because of a choice that my mom made to save me and my brother. All I know is that it is
not right.
   

Justice Wasn't Worth It

    I guess I'm lucky because it could have been worse...a lot worse. The reason my brother is my knight in shining armor is because he was aware of the danger of my biological dad, and he made the decision to do everything within his power to protect me from that danger. Whenever he would notice the signs of an outburst he would give me some form of an excuse to get out of the room. For example, he would tell me to go play the piano, go into my room, or something. For a while I told people that he made me a secret place in my closet with blankets and a radio to block out the noise, but it was just me exaggerating the appreciation I had for his protection.
    Another reason why I'm lucky is that I always felt like I was my biological father's favorite. I'm not sure why, and I don't think anyone can tell me why, but I didn't get the worst of the abuse. Majority of it was focused on my brother, and to this day I still have not been told the extent of it. Though, majority of my abuse was more emotional. I still have that list of names in my head like trash, worthless, and worse ones, and whenever I take a personal risk they pop into my head.
    The third reason why I'm lucky is because of my mom. She was always very positive, and she did everything to protect me as much as she could. In my childhood my mom did everything in her power to make me one of those extremely sheltered kids, and I now realize that it was her way of protecting me. I mean, if she couldn't protect me from my biological father maybe she tried to protect me from the things that was within her abilities.
    When my brother was getting ready for college he realized that once he left that I would be my biological dad's new target. All I know is that he told my mom that if she didn't get a divorce then he wasn't going to college. My mom packed the necessities that we needed, and we basically escaped. My brother stayed at his best friend's house, and my mom and I stayed at the home of her closest friend that I called my aunt.
    I do not remember exactly what I was thinking as an eight year old about the whole situation, but I do remember having nightmares. I would have horrible dreams and wake up to a wet bed, I wouldn't even walk into my biological father's closet, and I made two hospital visits due to stress. I had horrible abdomen pain, and at one point the doctors thought that my appendix was bursting before they realized it was stress. The next step after discovering that I did not have a medical condition, was what has turned into seven years of counseling.
    Through the process of getting away from my biological father, my mom had two choices. The first choice was to sue him, my biological dad, for domestic violence and child abuse. However, if my mom chose that way of escaping him she would have to put my brother and me through a painstaking trail without the promise of the trial ending in our favor because domestic abuse is extremely hard to prove without overwhelming physical evidence. In the end my mom attained a divorce along with a restraining order because the justice of a trial would not have been worth the scars that it would leave.

Love Changes

    I have learned many things from my story, and one thing in particular that I have learned is that love changes. My story begins fifteen years ago when I was born, and even though I don't remember my early years, I still know relevant pieces to my never ending puzzle. My mom was a stay at home mom, who homeschooled my brother and me. My brother is a little less then ten years older then me, and he has always been my knight in shining armor. My biological father was a P.A. for the military, and naturally we moved around a lot.

    We settled down in a city not too far from Dallas, Texas around the time I was three or four. The first house I can remember was in the semi-country, and I called it the mouse house. We lived close to this field that, in spring, would have a bunch of mice, and they would try to move into our house. It turned into a large problem, and my biological father set up a bunch of those sticky mouse traps all around the house. I remember once when I was getting ready for church I stepped on a mouse trap that was in my closet, and my mom had to pry it off.

    We moved to the second house that I can remember, and my nickname for the street was Milky Way. That name started when I heard my mom say the name of the street and I thought she said Milky Way. It had a front yard completely made of rocks instead of grass. It was in this house that I made a realization that would end my childhood innocence. First of all, I knew that my biological dad had anger problems, but I never second guessed it. I thought that it was normal for a dad to get angry, yell, threaten, insult, manipulate, and hit his family. I even thought I loved him.

    It was an instinctual love, though, and he earned my love by buying me random presents. Any shiver of love I had for him died on a Sunday. We had gone to church that morning and we went to Golden Corral for lunch, his favorite. I was too young to understand what was happening, I was around eight to be exact. I remember that my mom, brother, and he had an argument then he gave them both letters. He told me something about his leaving for good, and out of innocent instinctual love I asked my mom if I could go out and at least say goodbye.

    My mom raced me out into the parking lot and I was in tears. I screamed at him to stay with us as I approached the minivan sliding door. It was in the moment that he tried to pull me into the car saying that I was going with him that I screamed  that I hated him and wanted to stay with my mom and brother. Instead of him driving away and us never seeing him again, he looked at my mom and me and told us that he would see us at home.
    So, I'm sure we have all heard the phrase that love never dies. Although there may be someone who believes in that, I have learned that love changes. My instinctual love for my biological father changed day, and eventually ended. Just like trust, love has to be earned by those who have hurt you. I'm happy to say that he has not and never will regain my love, because there are better people for me to invest my love in.